Most people who meet me see a Pentecostal woman. They see a married woman who home schools her four small children, a woman who is raising her family in church. You might even see a women determined to live for Jesus, unwilling to back down or compromise her standards. Let me tell you why.

I have struggled with low self-esteem and depression my whole life. I am sure my psychologist would say it stems back to when my Dad abandoned my family when I was six. This trait has caused me to make many mistakes in my life and doubt others love for me.

We lived next door to my grandparents growing up so they were a constant presence and influence in my life. My Grandparents were devout Baptists, and took us to church every Sunday morning. I can’t say I was ever a good Baptist. I questioned everything about the religion.  I always thought that there was something more.

When I became a teenager I struggled with all the normal issues teenagers face. I became depressed and thought often of suicide. I began to drink some, as alcohol was always in my home and could easily be accessed. I was never close to my mother and felt very unloved and unaccepted.

Maybe these feelings stemmed from my Father leaving us, I was the classic “Daddy’s Little Girl” and took it very hard. My Mother seemed to prefer my Brother and my grandmother thought My sister hung the moon. This kind of left me out alone in the dark being the not so smart or attractive one.   All I know is I never felt like I was good enough never pretty enough and always to fat.

When I was 17 a classmate invited me to a Pentecostal church. I went and thought it was nice, didn’t really understand much about it, and didn’t care to learn.  My great aunt came to visit us about this time. My family had been making fun of me for going and even though my aunt was full gospel, she told me that if I wanted to go to that church then that is what I should do.  I decided to give it a second try.

The second time I went it was an awesome service. I still didn’t understand, but I knew that I wanted what ever the Lord had for me. I knew that the thing I was looking for was in that church. I kept going to church much to the dismay of my family, and finally left home after being given an ultimatum, quit going to that church or get out.

I soon married a much older man in my church, which used his much better knowledge of scriptures to convince me it was God’s will for us to be married, even though I am sure it was not.

I still had never learned to accept the fact that I was good enough for God to care about me. For a couple of years things were fine. I was trying to live for God, but did not trust him to love me.  I never learned to take my problems to him, or to believe that he cared about me. 

And so I backslid in a “Bust Hell wide open kind of way” I left my husband. I moved to a different state, and started doing what ever I wanted to do.

I met a man who introduced me to alcoholism, and drug use.  I was a functioning alcoholic, I never missed a day of work, but as soon as work was over I would run to the bar. I was miserable. You cannot backslide without being under constant conviction. I would drink more and take more to try to not feel conviction. I am convinced that this cannot be done.  You cannot out run God, but that was what I was trying to do. 

I got married to the man I met. Within a couple of months after we married the relationship became abusive. I can honestly say that if not for the grace of God I would have died by this man’s hand.  I had started going to church again by this point. I was so confused in my thinking that I blamed God for this man’s actions.  I though because I had prayed back through that God would just make the life I screwed up perfect once more.

Needless to say I stopped going to church once again, and things got even worse. I began to depend more and more on alcohol and drugs. My husband would be gone for weeks at a time and when he came home he would be abusive. It got so bad I miscarried twice as a result of being beaten.

Finally I left this man. I knew I wanted my life to be better but did not know how to accomplish that. I convinced myself that there would be no help from God, as he would not forgive me this time. 

So for the next few years I just worked hard and partied harder. To the world I am sure it seemed like I had it all. I had plenty of money, a nice car, a home; everything the world tells us we need to be happy. But yet I wasn’t.

I moved to a third state, and became pregnant with my oldest child. I quit drugs, because I knew my baby deserved better than that. It was apparent right away that I was going to be a single mother and that was fine with me at the time. After the baby was born, I did take him to church. I thought that while it was too late for me, he could have a chance.

I then met someone who truly loved me just for me. I began a relationship with a man 20 years my senior and quickly became pregnant with my daughter. This man taught me many things, and what it was like to love and be loved. Even though I did not see it at the time, God was working in my life and putting me where I needed to be to live for him.

After my daughter was born, we all moved back to Louisiana. We decided to go visit a church. John wanted to go to the Episcopal one in town, I knew that was not going to happen. So we went to the little Pentecostal church I first got the Holy Ghost in so many years before.

Things did not just get better. Sin had left many scars in my life and some things do not get fixed over night. We begin attending church as a family. John saw the need to be baptized in Jesus name and was seeking the Holy Ghost.  God had a plan though.

God was working in my life. He was showing me that he did love me and I could I live for him. I was holding my own past against myself; God was not holding it against me. He loved me and wanted me to receive the wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost!

One day I got a call that John had collapsed at work. He had a massive heart attack and was just gone.  Even in the hospital I just kept telling everyone it was going to be all right. We would be fine.  And we were.

Somehow God got us through that. It wasn’t easy but we made it. God was working and he had a plan for our lives. He sent me Cory.

Cory and I were married and together we are raising my two kids and the two other children God has blessed us with in church. God has totally turned my life around and gave me a second chance. 

The Lord has healed the hurt and disappointment of the past and blessed me more than any person deserves to be blessed.  He delivered me from drug and alcohol abuse, from desperation, and from pretty much every sin you could imagine.

I am nothing without him. I can honestly say without his grace and mercy I would not be here today. My body bears the scars of my past. I have stab marks, and scars where I tried to cut my wrists. I have pain where my bones were broke. This is a constant reminder to me of what God brought me out of and delivered me from.

I thank God for his mercy and Grace. It is my desire for this testimony to be used of God, to help others involved in the things I was, to know that they can be delivered. If God will do this for me, he will do it for YOU! He is no respecter of persons.